The tech crowd that doesn't care. But really does. Not really.

With all the rage around juices and cleanses these days, I’m surprised more of our brothers and sisters aren’t talking about the latest new dining innovation coming out of Williamsburg – The Newton Diet.

The Newton Diet is very simple – we can only nourish and flourish by eating what falls into our hands instead of pulling* our food out of Mother Earth. 

  • Allowed – fruits, nuts, berries, leaves, and bark.
  • Offlimits – lettuce, potatoes, wheat, soy (yes, I said soy), and other foods that are stolen from the earth and deprive our Mother of her essential vitamins and minerals.

Without gravity, there is no Earth Mother. It’s the nourishment for our beloved host.  Without it, our atmosphere would be dissolved and our soul would be pulled with our orbital Moon into the Sun. Ouch. 

So think about it — each time we’re pulling food from the Earth, we’re weakening our ecosystem and reducing this orbital field. This needs to end. And, the “Newton” is the answer. Mother Earth already has a farmer, and it’s gravity.

Each day, trillions of kilos** of nourishment fall to the earth unaccounted for … lying helpless on Mother Earth’s carpet. The Newton Diet is the first step in turning around this tragic end to nature’s contribution. 

I just completed my first week on the Newton and it was surprisingly easy. I took to the streets with my approved Newton Net™ (see below) and was able to collect a week’s bounty of gifts to eat. 

Newton Net

To save time, I consulted the Tree List provided by the NYC Parks Department which is an essential companion guide for any new Newton dieter.

Within the first 48 hours, I was already having my first Gravity Meal consisting of:

  • Tea from the Maple leaf
  • Bark Stew from the Hornbeam
  • Tulip Flower Salad from the Tulip Flower
  • Gum from, obviously, the Black Gum

I also supplemented my diet from Newton friendly, rooftop chicken farmer, Elias Elstrong, who farms eggs in specially designed egg drop coops, thus ensuring no manmade forces are involved in the egg production. I was also able to secure 2 litres*** of goat milk from Newton friendly dairy farmer Alister MacGonkle who runs a sustainable goat habitat under the west end of the Williamsburg Bridge.

By all estimates, week one of Newton has been a huge success. My rash has finally dissipated and by all accounts with gravity on my side, I feel like I’m walking on the moon.


*Pulling is stealing

**A kilo is a unit of measure that is rapidly replacing “US Customary” and British “Imperialist Units”

***A litre is like a kilo, but used for measuring liquids

Posted at 12:20pm and tagged with: Agriculture, Food, one column,.