Facebook just launched their new Premium Ad formats at a big event in New York City, where the Madison Ave elite gathered to celebrate Sheryl Sandberg’s new billion dollar bank account. Brand’s** can now promote the ‘stories’ that are posted on their pages throughout the platform, including in users’ newsfeeds and on logout screens. Ads are innately shareable, and will appear within your Facebook experience only if you or your friends are fans of the brand.
The new ad formats will look like this:
But seriously, who cares?
While the Facebook event was happening at one of our favorite NYC locations, the American Museum of Natural History*, Sunny’s Bar in Red Hook was hosting the new owners of Geocities for a far more important product relaunch.
Brooklyn co-opers, Brother Simeon and Archibald Stryder (previously known as Michael Goldstein), purchased the now defunct Geocities brand name and website from Yahoo! Inc. for $0.73 and 9 organic eggs from Vermont. The pair plans to relaunch the site on St Patrick’s Day, and hopes to reinvent this online community from the early 90s to serve the unique social needs of Brooklynites.
The new Geocities will have a skeleton web-presence, but its social community is meant to be built within the fences of Brooklyn’s many community gardens. Stryder explained to us that each ‘Geocity’ will be a hand-made diorama that represents a pre-Renaissance community (preferably from the Old Continent), and the Geocity’s creator will be that community’s ‘Lord’. On Monday, Wed, and Sunday nights, Geocity Lords will gather in one of the community gardens to discuss inter-Geocity commerce and trade, as well as declare continuing loyalties to ‘Regents’ who will be ordained through a series of drinking challenges.
“The overall spirit of the community,” says Brother Simeon, “will be to give new voices to the manure-covered peasants of olden days, and to encourage urban self-sustenance in this age of reliance on mass production and whorish capitalism.” As part of Geocities’ plan to promote this ‘urban self-sustenance’, each Geocity diorama will be expected to produce at least one crop or edible export per season. “One of our beta Lords has already created an old Italian diorama that can house a rabbit,” adds Stryder. “The rabbit is expected to produce at least one quart of milk every few months, and the milk will be traded to another Geocity for raw herbs cultivated in mice dropping fertilizer.”
As for advertising to support and monetize their new venture, Simeon and Stryder do not agree with the ideologies of Madison Ave. “We do not want to intrude into the lives of our users. We believe that our involvement in their daily routine should not extend beyond the enforcement of wife swaps as a result of territorial conflicts between Geocity Lords,” explains Simeon. “Advertising is just too disruptive and impersonal.”
When asked about the Facebook launch event and the company’s upcoming $100 billion initial public offering, Simeon tensed up. “We don’t really care what they do,” he said. “I mean, Facebook hasn’t been cool since 2002.” After we explained that Facebook didn’t launch until 2004, Stryder gave a coy smile, and his jade green eyes disappeared into an ironic blink behind his lens-less horn-rimmed glasses.
“Our point exactly,” he said.
*The American Museum of Natural History is considered the mecca of organic, frugal self-sustenance by hipsters worldwide, primarily because of the Neanderthal life exhibits in the “Anne and Bernard Spitzer Hall of Human Origins”. Each year, on the 3rd Tuesday of September, hipsters from all around the world gather in front of the Neanderthals and make monkey noises to re-center their life goals and draw strength from there ancestors.
**An unsolicited editor pointed out this grammatical error (an incorrectly placed apostrophe), but we will not be changing it, because we don’t care.