The tech crowd that doesn't care. But really does. Not really.

Dear Zoooey,

The other week, I was at SXSW.  I was supposed to leave after interactive, but really wanted to stay to see a few DJs that ironically wear tuxedos.  I used my work hotel room and claimed to have been too sick to fly back.  My boss caught me at one of the shows. She was totally pissed and I pretended to care, but I really don’t.  They don’t pay me enough or give me enough responsibility. I graduated six months ago! I’m not a baby!  Plus, I’m only doing this gig so I can start my organic rooftop bee farm.  I’ve been hiding out in my parents’ garage, but they found me and today is my first day back.  How should I handle this?


Dear Caught In the Act,

Yeah dude. That’s bad.  

Maybe this is a good opportunity to reevaluate your life.  My guess is you’ve been at this job a solid 3 or 4 months.  Plenty of time to put it on a resume and say you worked for the Man.  If you really want to be an organic, local bee farmer— JUST DO IT!  Or rather, JUST GO FOR IT (since I don’t want you to think the only way to be inspired is through insipid corporate slogans and marketing ploys).  

Gather your pals, find a space, and throw a killer opening bash.  Use your rooftop space to sae money.  Make some paper chains to decorate and light tea lights.  Pump in some buzzing bees remixed with fat beats.  Hey, maybe if you tell the DJs you stayed for what your plan is, they’ll play for free.  Cuz, who needs corporations anyway???!!!*

Kieran Culkin Whispers,

*Except all our wonderful current and future brand partners in the HipsterSoft family.  Couldn’t do this without you.
*Awesome photo,

Posted at 10:32pm and tagged with: zoooey, one column, crystals, advice, sxsw, organic bee farm,.

Dear Zoooey,

I have a confession to make.  It’s not something I’m comfortable admitting around my friends, and I just don’t know where else to go.  

Here goes.

I’m excited about the Hunger Games movies.  Not ironically excited.  Not “oh hey won’t it be SO funny to see this movie on opening night.”  Not “yeah, I could dress like someone in the Capital, but it would be because I was actually protesting economic disparity” excited.  I’m excited.  Like “can’t sleep at night because I’m counting down the days” excited.  Like “secretly bought a t-shirt already and it’s in my actual size” excited.

I’m not sure I’ve had a legit emotion like this since the final LCD Soundsystem concert…and then it was socially acceptable to break down and weep.  What should I do?


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Dear #legitexcitedaboutthehungergames,

First of all, you need to know that you are perfectly normal.  Many, many people have had this reaction to the Hunger Games.  The book has caught fire among all ages, races, and boroughs of Brooklyn.  How could it not? The story of Katniss, the girl of great strength, resolve, and something magnetic we can’t take our eyes off of?  Add that to a messy love triangle…and well, we’ve all spent a sleepless night or two popping artisanal adderall to see what happens.

Once you accept the fact that you are experiencing normal feelings that are socially acceptable, the next thing is NOT to freak out about the fact that this is socially acceptable.  Sometimes things are popular because they’re a big joke.  But, sometimes things are popular because it’s a damn good story and it preys on our human emotions.  

If you’re really uncomfortable, I have a few ideas you can use to return to your apathy.  

  • Turn on any Real Housewives franchise, but keep the sound off (lest you get hooked!) and create pretend dialogue for them based on their grimaces and long nails.
  • Watch a documentary about an issue that seems absolutely insurmountable and soul-crushing.  I’d recommend Food, Inc.
  • Buy some lanyard and make friendship bracelets.  You should be attempting to be transported to a time in your youth that you just can’t quite recapture.  

All these activities should remind you of the futility of the world and the fact that nothing matters, so why even try.

But, if these don’t work, just think: It’s ok to tap into that side of you that likes songs with melodies, hairstyles that look like they’ve seen the shower, and books that have a beginning, middle, and end.  We all do it once in awhile.

Bjork Nuzzles,

Posted at 12:17pm and tagged with: one column, zooey, crystals, advice, hunger games,.

Hi Hipstersoft fans.  Not that you care, but I’m starting an advice column for our special community.  You can write me at Zoooey@hisptersoft (don’t confuse me with Zooey Deschanel, I have an extra “o” !!).  Here’s our first letter, which I received this week.

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Dear Zoooey,
I met a guy or whatever at #occupywallstreet and since we haven’t been able to maintain the network of protests after the ILLEGAL breakup of Zucotti Park, we made plans to go on a date.  He’s a unicycle-riding freegan who lives in Bed Stuy and I’m a nose-to-tail meatatarian whose body currently resides on my mom’s couch in Queens.  Any suggestions to what we should do (and please don’t sugget McCarren Park or 3rd Ward. Thankyouverymuch).

Dear #occupymyfirstdate,

Yours is nary the first love connection I’ve heard of happening over the movement of the year.  It seems many of our brothers without arms have met like-minded others.  It will be difficult to recapture the charge you felt in the drum circle, but that doesn’t mean that your connection wasn’t as strong as the orange mesh that encircled you on the bridge that day.  Nevertheless, proceed with caution.

Pre-Dinner Drink With Housemade Bathtub Gin

Start the evening with your soul date off right with a pre-dinner drink.  Most likely you keep a stash of housemade bathtub gin on hand for these occasions, but if not, I’ve provided my favorite take on the recipe here.  I prefer to serve this in a mason jar with hand-carved ice from a 1890’s ice bucket.  If you can’t find one from the 1890s, the 1910s will do.  Skip the 1900s.  Those things are crap.  

Freegan Dinner for Two

Since your moustachioed beau is a freegan, I suggest hitting some of the hottest dumpsters behind good eats in Brooklyn.   A personal fav is Pies N Thighs in Williamsburg, where if you’re lucky, you’ll get both the fried catfish and a slice of the pie of the day.  Also, since it’s family-style, you’re more likely to catch the leftovers…and perhaps a kiss while digging for them.

Dancing on the Subway

Forget the clubs.  Forget the speakeasies.  The latest place to get down without caring is on the subway.  All you need is your 1980s Casio, a collection of the hottest mixtapes, and some space to get down on the F.  

Good luck — and let us know how it goes!
David Duchovny Kisses,

photo courtesy of….as if we care.

Posted at 11:03am and tagged with: Advice, Crystals, one column,.