The tech crowd that doesn't care. But really does. Not really.

(12:15pm)  What a rush.

(12:13pm)  “Pick up your trash on your way out.” Great call to action at the end, Bill.

(12:10pm)  I think keynotes are better when they give something away.  Like a car. 

(12:09pm)  Where are the new products????????

(12:06pm)  “Proper hand-washing is critical to keeping us all in good health.”  Don’t worry, Bill.  I always do when sharing my Surface.   

(12:04pm) Talk about your new products already.  I’m on the edge of my tweet.   

(12:00pm)  “It’s not just about the garbage, it’s about recycling, composting, and making more of what we’ve already used.” A veiled, but poignant allusion to Microsoft’s newly released revamp of its core products.  Don’t throw away the brands that are known in the market.  #upcyclebranding

(11:57am)  “Our world isn’t going to clean itself.  We all need to do our part.” WOW (words of wisdom).

(11:55am)  What I love about talks like this is it’s about his ideas, not just about his products.  I always leave SXSW so inspired.  Really thinking big picture.   And with a 50% increase in my follower count.

(11:52am)  I always thought his middle name was Henry.

(11:50am)   I like his shirt.  He looks like a regular businessman from Minnesota. Don’t you love those Twins?

(11:40am)   He’s here.  He just appeared.  Like a little wizard. 

(11:37am)   I’ll admit it, there’s a discrepancy between me, a guy who hasn’t used a product of his since I had a choice, and the action happening under my laptop.  But, you just can’t deny the fact that this is a true innovator.   Laptop action was just a joke, fellas. 

(11:35am)  C++

(11:33am)  Champion

(11:30am)  The C probably stands for Chupacabra.

(11:28am) Still waiting.  If you’re following along at home, check out my survival guide to SXSW.  It’s got all the low-down on the food buckets (trucks are so early aughts) and free handcrafted long island iced teas.

(11:26am)  Since I’ve got some time, I’ll tell you the truth.  I’m not registered for the SXSWEdu conf.  But, I got in a day early to enjoy Austin before, y’know, the insanity starts.  Get some breakfast tacos without everyone following me on FourSquare knowing about it.  And when I heard the Bill C. Gates was speaking, I couldn’t pass it up.

(11:22am)  Countdown to Bill C. Gates. Guys, it’s actually happening.  Everyone around me totally knows it’s happening.  There is a buzz in the air.  It’s like the day they launched StickyBits when everyone just knew it was going to be huge.

(11:20am)  What a fight to get in here. I tried to show my General Assembly VIP badge, but it doesn’t work at the Edu conference.  Assholes.  Burpbags.  Piers Morgan Lovers.  


Editor’s Note:  Apparently the real Bill Gates was upstairs.  Bill C. Gates just got the same speaking time downstairs in the janitorial staff lounge.  I just thought it was an underground co-working space.  The “C” stands for Clarence.


Posted at 5:54pm and tagged with: one column,.

Dear Zoooey,

The other week, I was at SXSW.  I was supposed to leave after interactive, but really wanted to stay to see a few DJs that ironically wear tuxedos.  I used my work hotel room and claimed to have been too sick to fly back.  My boss caught me at one of the shows. She was totally pissed and I pretended to care, but I really don’t.  They don’t pay me enough or give me enough responsibility. I graduated six months ago! I’m not a baby!  Plus, I’m only doing this gig so I can start my organic rooftop bee farm.  I’ve been hiding out in my parents’ garage, but they found me and today is my first day back.  How should I handle this?


Dear Caught In the Act,

Yeah dude. That’s bad.  

Maybe this is a good opportunity to reevaluate your life.  My guess is you’ve been at this job a solid 3 or 4 months.  Plenty of time to put it on a resume and say you worked for the Man.  If you really want to be an organic, local bee farmer— JUST DO IT!  Or rather, JUST GO FOR IT (since I don’t want you to think the only way to be inspired is through insipid corporate slogans and marketing ploys).  

Gather your pals, find a space, and throw a killer opening bash.  Use your rooftop space to sae money.  Make some paper chains to decorate and light tea lights.  Pump in some buzzing bees remixed with fat beats.  Hey, maybe if you tell the DJs you stayed for what your plan is, they’ll play for free.  Cuz, who needs corporations anyway???!!!*

Kieran Culkin Whispers,

*Except all our wonderful current and future brand partners in the HipsterSoft family.  Couldn’t do this without you.
*Awesome photo,

Posted at 10:32pm and tagged with: zoooey, one column, crystals, advice, sxsw, organic bee farm,.

An excerpt from our photoblog from SXSW*

*This is the entire photoblog

Posted at 5:22pm and tagged with: sxsw, one column, fashion, crystals,.

Dear Zoooey,

I have a confession to make.  It’s not something I’m comfortable admitting around my friends, and I just don’t know where else to go.  

Here goes.

I’m excited about the Hunger Games movies.  Not ironically excited.  Not “oh hey won’t it be SO funny to see this movie on opening night.”  Not “yeah, I could dress like someone in the Capital, but it would be because I was actually protesting economic disparity” excited.  I’m excited.  Like “can’t sleep at night because I’m counting down the days” excited.  Like “secretly bought a t-shirt already and it’s in my actual size” excited.

I’m not sure I’ve had a legit emotion like this since the final LCD Soundsystem concert…and then it was socially acceptable to break down and weep.  What should I do?


- - -

Dear #legitexcitedaboutthehungergames,

First of all, you need to know that you are perfectly normal.  Many, many people have had this reaction to the Hunger Games.  The book has caught fire among all ages, races, and boroughs of Brooklyn.  How could it not? The story of Katniss, the girl of great strength, resolve, and something magnetic we can’t take our eyes off of?  Add that to a messy love triangle…and well, we’ve all spent a sleepless night or two popping artisanal adderall to see what happens.

Once you accept the fact that you are experiencing normal feelings that are socially acceptable, the next thing is NOT to freak out about the fact that this is socially acceptable.  Sometimes things are popular because they’re a big joke.  But, sometimes things are popular because it’s a damn good story and it preys on our human emotions.  

If you’re really uncomfortable, I have a few ideas you can use to return to your apathy.  

  • Turn on any Real Housewives franchise, but keep the sound off (lest you get hooked!) and create pretend dialogue for them based on their grimaces and long nails.
  • Watch a documentary about an issue that seems absolutely insurmountable and soul-crushing.  I’d recommend Food, Inc.
  • Buy some lanyard and make friendship bracelets.  You should be attempting to be transported to a time in your youth that you just can’t quite recapture.  

All these activities should remind you of the futility of the world and the fact that nothing matters, so why even try.

But, if these don’t work, just think: It’s ok to tap into that side of you that likes songs with melodies, hairstyles that look like they’ve seen the shower, and books that have a beginning, middle, and end.  We all do it once in awhile.

Bjork Nuzzles,

Posted at 12:17pm and tagged with: one column, zooey, crystals, advice, hunger games,.

Hi Hipstersoft fans.  Not that you care, but I’m starting an advice column for our special community.  You can write me at Zoooey@hisptersoft (don’t confuse me with Zooey Deschanel, I have an extra “o” !!).  Here’s our first letter, which I received this week.

- - - - - - - - 

Dear Zoooey,
I met a guy or whatever at #occupywallstreet and since we haven’t been able to maintain the network of protests after the ILLEGAL breakup of Zucotti Park, we made plans to go on a date.  He’s a unicycle-riding freegan who lives in Bed Stuy and I’m a nose-to-tail meatatarian whose body currently resides on my mom’s couch in Queens.  Any suggestions to what we should do (and please don’t sugget McCarren Park or 3rd Ward. Thankyouverymuch).

Dear #occupymyfirstdate,

Yours is nary the first love connection I’ve heard of happening over the movement of the year.  It seems many of our brothers without arms have met like-minded others.  It will be difficult to recapture the charge you felt in the drum circle, but that doesn’t mean that your connection wasn’t as strong as the orange mesh that encircled you on the bridge that day.  Nevertheless, proceed with caution.

Pre-Dinner Drink With Housemade Bathtub Gin

Start the evening with your soul date off right with a pre-dinner drink.  Most likely you keep a stash of housemade bathtub gin on hand for these occasions, but if not, I’ve provided my favorite take on the recipe here.  I prefer to serve this in a mason jar with hand-carved ice from a 1890’s ice bucket.  If you can’t find one from the 1890s, the 1910s will do.  Skip the 1900s.  Those things are crap.  

Freegan Dinner for Two

Since your moustachioed beau is a freegan, I suggest hitting some of the hottest dumpsters behind good eats in Brooklyn.   A personal fav is Pies N Thighs in Williamsburg, where if you’re lucky, you’ll get both the fried catfish and a slice of the pie of the day.  Also, since it’s family-style, you’re more likely to catch the leftovers…and perhaps a kiss while digging for them.

Dancing on the Subway

Forget the clubs.  Forget the speakeasies.  The latest place to get down without caring is on the subway.  All you need is your 1980s Casio, a collection of the hottest mixtapes, and some space to get down on the F.  

Good luck — and let us know how it goes!
David Duchovny Kisses,

photo courtesy of….as if we care.

Posted at 11:03am and tagged with: Advice, Crystals, one column,.

With all the rage around juices and cleanses these days, I’m surprised more of our brothers and sisters aren’t talking about the latest new dining innovation coming out of Williamsburg – The Newton Diet.

The Newton Diet is very simple – we can only nourish and flourish by eating what falls into our hands instead of pulling* our food out of Mother Earth. 

  • Allowed – fruits, nuts, berries, leaves, and bark.
  • Offlimits – lettuce, potatoes, wheat, soy (yes, I said soy), and other foods that are stolen from the earth and deprive our Mother of her essential vitamins and minerals.

Without gravity, there is no Earth Mother. It’s the nourishment for our beloved host.  Without it, our atmosphere would be dissolved and our soul would be pulled with our orbital Moon into the Sun. Ouch. 

So think about it — each time we’re pulling food from the Earth, we’re weakening our ecosystem and reducing this orbital field. This needs to end. And, the “Newton” is the answer. Mother Earth already has a farmer, and it’s gravity.

Each day, trillions of kilos** of nourishment fall to the earth unaccounted for … lying helpless on Mother Earth’s carpet. The Newton Diet is the first step in turning around this tragic end to nature’s contribution. 

I just completed my first week on the Newton and it was surprisingly easy. I took to the streets with my approved Newton Net™ (see below) and was able to collect a week’s bounty of gifts to eat. 

Newton Net

To save time, I consulted the Tree List provided by the NYC Parks Department which is an essential companion guide for any new Newton dieter.

Within the first 48 hours, I was already having my first Gravity Meal consisting of:

  • Tea from the Maple leaf
  • Bark Stew from the Hornbeam
  • Tulip Flower Salad from the Tulip Flower
  • Gum from, obviously, the Black Gum

I also supplemented my diet from Newton friendly, rooftop chicken farmer, Elias Elstrong, who farms eggs in specially designed egg drop coops, thus ensuring no manmade forces are involved in the egg production. I was also able to secure 2 litres*** of goat milk from Newton friendly dairy farmer Alister MacGonkle who runs a sustainable goat habitat under the west end of the Williamsburg Bridge.

By all estimates, week one of Newton has been a huge success. My rash has finally dissipated and by all accounts with gravity on my side, I feel like I’m walking on the moon.


*Pulling is stealing

**A kilo is a unit of measure that is rapidly replacing “US Customary” and British “Imperialist Units”

***A litre is like a kilo, but used for measuring liquids

Posted at 12:20pm and tagged with: Agriculture, Food, one column,.

Facebook just launched their new Premium Ad formats at a big event in New York City, where the Madison Ave elite gathered to celebrate Sheryl Sandberg’s new billion dollar bank account. Brand’s** can now promote the ‘stories’ that are posted on their pages throughout the platform, including in users’ newsfeeds and on logout screens. Ads are innately shareable, and will appear within your Facebook experience only if you or your friends are fans of the brand.

The new ad formats will look like this: 

But seriously, who cares?

While the Facebook event was happening at one of our favorite NYC locations, the American Museum of Natural History*, Sunny’s Bar in Red Hook was hosting the new owners of Geocities for a far more important product relaunch.

Brooklyn co-opers, Brother Simeon and Archibald Stryder (previously known as Michael Goldstein), purchased the now defunct Geocities brand name and website from Yahoo! Inc. for $0.73 and 9 organic eggs from Vermont. The pair plans to relaunch the site on St Patrick’s Day, and hopes to reinvent this online community from the early 90s to serve the unique social needs of Brooklynites. 

The new Geocities will have a skeleton web-presence, but its social community is meant to be built within the fences of Brooklyn’s many community gardens. Stryder explained to us that each ‘Geocity’ will be a hand-made diorama that represents a pre-Renaissance community (preferably from the Old Continent), and the Geocity’s creator will be that community’s ‘Lord’. On Monday, Wed, and Sunday nights, Geocity Lords will gather in one of the community gardens to discuss inter-Geocity commerce and trade, as well as declare continuing loyalties to ‘Regents’ who will be ordained through a series of drinking challenges.

"The overall spirit of the community," says Brother Simeon, "will be to give new voices to the manure-covered peasants of olden days, and to encourage urban self-sustenance in this age of reliance on mass production and whorish capitalism." As part of Geocities’ plan to promote this ‘urban self-sustenance’, each Geocity diorama will be expected to produce at least one crop or edible export per season. "One of our beta Lords has already created an old Italian diorama that can house a rabbit," adds Stryder. "The rabbit is expected to produce at least one quart of milk every few months, and the milk will be traded to another Geocity for raw herbs cultivated in mice dropping fertilizer."

As for advertising to support and monetize their new venture, Simeon and Stryder do not agree with the ideologies of Madison Ave. “We do not want to intrude into the lives of our users. We believe that our involvement in their daily routine should not extend beyond the enforcement of wife swaps as a result of territorial conflicts between Geocity Lords,” explains Simeon. “Advertising is just too disruptive and impersonal.”

When asked about the Facebook launch event and the company’s upcoming $100 billion initial public offering,  Simeon tensed up. “We don’t really care what they do,” he said. “I mean, Facebook hasn’t been cool since 2002.” After we explained that Facebook didn’t launch until 2004, Stryder gave a coy smile, and his jade green eyes disappeared into an ironic blink behind his lens-less horn-rimmed glasses.

"Our point exactly," he said. 

*The American Museum of Natural History is considered the mecca of organic, frugal self-sustenance by hipsters worldwide, primarily because of the Neanderthal life exhibits in the “Anne and Bernard Spitzer Hall of Human Origins”. Each year, on the 3rd Tuesday of September, hipsters from all around the world gather in front of the Neanderthals and make monkey noises to re-center their life goals and draw strength from there ancestors. 

**An unsolicited editor pointed out this grammatical error (an incorrectly placed apostrophe), but we will not be changing it, because we don’t care.

Posted at 6:20pm and tagged with: Technology, one column,.